Ever hear the phrase, “No good deed goes unpunished”? For twice-exceptional (2e) people, it can hit especially hard. You do something with the best of intentions—and it backfires. Misunderstood. Mischaracterized. You feel gaslighted, like retreating into your shell. You wonder how people could so completely misread you.
And then the spiral begins. You see two choices: give up or mask. Shut down or shut up. Stop showing up authentically or become who you think they want you to be. But none of those is okay.
So how do we stop this spiral—from good intentions to puppet?
It starts with purpose and self-confidence.
When someone attacks your character or questions your intentions, your first instinct may be to defend yourself. Totally natural—but not always helpful. Defensiveness can come across as guilt or frustration and can escalate misunderstanding instead of resolving it.
Step One: Consider Their Perspective
Why did they misunderstand you?
- Do you have a complicated history with this person?
- Are they stressed, tired, or distracted?
- Could your message have been unclear or easily misconstrued?
These questions help shift the lens to perspective-taking, which is where real communication begins.
One 2e adult I work with recently shared a story about a social setting where he was confident he’d read the room. He believed he’d connected, person by person. But later, he realized he’d misread several cues. Ouch, right? We’ve all been there.
That’s okay. Mistakes happen. It’s how we learn.
What’s not okay is what often happens next: the inner critic pipes up.
“I can’t believe I said that.”
“I’m so stupid.”
“What was I thinking?”
Let’s put a stop to that. Replace harsh self-judgment with curiosity:
“Huh, I totally misread that. I wonder why?”
“Whoa, how did that happen?”
“Gee, I got that wrong. I didn’t mean to send that message.”
Step Two: Acknowledge and Validate
Instead of:
- “That’s not what I meant.”
- “You’re taking my words out of context.”
- “You misunderstood me.”
Try:
- “I can see how you might have interpreted it that way.”
- “Yikes, it sounds like I hurt your feelings. That wasn’t my intention—can you tell me what you heard?”
- “Looks like what I said and what I meant were two very different things. Let’s talk it through.”
Acknowledgment and validation invite connection. Defensiveness repels it. Think of it like catching a ball with a soft glove instead of hitting it away.
Real Life: Zoom, Perfectionism, and a Lesson in Grace
Sometimes best intentions turn into potential embarrassments. Our efforts don’t end up as we had planned. That’s another time negative self talk can occur but self confidence and self love can help dispel the awkwardness. Last week, I hosted a Zoom event for 85 people. I wanted to be efficient, so I set up breakout rooms by stakeholder group—parents, 2e adults, educators, clinicians—ahead of time.
Guess what? Zoom doesn’t allow that. You can’t create breakout rooms until participants join. Confusion ensued. The rooms ended up mixed, not categorized.
I could’ve blamed Zoom. I could’ve spiraled into perfectionist shame. Instead, when everyone returned from their breakout rooms, I laughed and said, “What a great lesson in perfectionism and flexibility!”
And you know what? The unexpected mix sparked powerful conversations. One participant even shared that she typically hates breakout rooms—but this time, she felt supported, understood, and connected and loved learning from others who aren’t in the exact situation she’s in but totally understood her twice exceptional life.
What That Moment Taught Me
We need community. We need safe spaces where the benefit of the doubt is assumed—where everyone brings their best intentions and their full 2e selves. Spaces where kindness, patience, and shared understanding are the norm.
In my work with Gifted and Distractible people, building those communities is a privilege. In our Haystack 2e Adult Community, we recently explored the theme of communication between neurodiverse and neurotypical people. We realized how many barriers melt away in a space built on mutual understanding when we are together “in the haystack” vibing on our twice exceptionality — and how easy it is to fall into self-doubt when we feel misunderstood.
But we agreed on this: shutting down or shutting up doesn’t serve us.
Instead, we choose to clarify and communicate.
To acknowledge and validate.
To lead with curiosity, not self-criticism.
To hold fast to our intentions—and invite others to understand them.
Finding ways to be confident in your essence and generous in your listening allows you to avoid defensive reacting and nurture deep connection and self love.
Author: Julie F. Skolnick M.A., J.D.
Julie Skolnick, M.A., J.D., is the Founder of With Understanding Comes Calm, LLC, through which she passionately guides parents of gifted and distractible children, mentors 2e adults, and collaborates with and advises educators and professionals on bringing out the best and raising self-confidence in their students and clients.
2 Responses
Beautiful post and great advice for everyone. Such a good reminder for me as a teacher to approach situations with true curiosity about where the mismatch occurred instead of assuming i already know the answer. I was listening to a podcast this summer that pointed out that when you approach something with curiosity the portions of your brain for learning light up and you are capable of thinking about things with nuance, but when you get frustrated or angry they shut down and your ability to do anything other than black and white thinking is limited (or nonexistent). Thanks for the reminders just as the new semester starts- perfect timing!
Thank YOU for taking the time to comment. We are so glad this blog resonated and love the connection between curiosity and collaboration!