Gifted and Distractible Across the Lifespan

We do NOT outgrow our “2e-ness.” For many 2e adults who were never diagnosed as a child, they doubt their giftedness and can feel ashamed of their learning differences. For others it’s a relief to receive a diagnosis that finally explains through this new lens, their lifetime of uncanny abilities and confusing struggles.  Most gifted and distractible adults experience remorse over wasted time and their childhood negative self-concept. While the gifted and distractible characteristics stay the same, how they manifest is often different from childhood to adulthood.  

Eleven characteristics that resonate in both childhood and adulthood include: 

• masking, 
• impulsivity, 
• imposter syndrome, 
• social challenges, 
• perfectionism, 
• asynchrony, 
• emotional overexcitability, 
• sensual overexcitability, 
• imaginational overexcitability, 
• psychomotor overexcitability, and 
• intellectual overexcitability. 

Of course, these 2e features morph throughout our lives, and depending on the environment may lead to maladaptive behaviors. For instance, if you lived in a flexible, loving home that provided rules and appropriate expectations, a 2e child may have survived their childhood with self-confidence intact. However, since twice exceptionality is genetic, oftentimes parents lack the executive functioning skills to anticipate and plan for successful scaffolding for their 2e children. When parenting without support, addressing issues may have been more like shooting from the hip or reacting in a knee-jerk fashion, that resulted in chaotic patterns. Parents stuck in this parenting style may still have excellent intentions and a deep desire to parent more effectively but just may lack the skills to parent authoritatively; with lots of love and structure. 

On the other hand, 2e adults who experienced trauma in their childhood can carry those memories and revisit them each time they are triggered. One consistent experience gifted and distractible adults often share with me is their negative self-talk. Much like a 2e child grows into a 2e adult, so does their internal critic and, in many cases, becomes stronger. There are ways, however, to keep that internal critic at bay – to wave hello when it appears and wish it well as you push it out the door (or over a cliff). Let’s take a look at what those eleven characteristics look like in childhood and adulthood and learn how to silence the internal critic. 

Masking 

Masking in 2e childhood develops when a child realizes that some of their natural proclivities elicit negative feedback. Shame and isolation are two powerful reactions to a 2e child’s natural curiosity in “strange” or “eccentric” interests. So, she’ll trade in that anatomically correct and labeled skull t-shirt, for one with a sparkly rainbow. Instead of talking to peers about the millions of details he knows about black holes, this child will silence himself among peers and save those topics for his parents’ friends. Kids may accept invitations to birthday parties or play on the swings when they’d much rather stay home and build a complicated model or dig for rocks on the playground.

Regarding schoolwork, 2e kids rarely feel like they can ask for help. They think they should know, and that others expect them to know, how to do whatever it is that is challenging for them. They’ll pretend to work in class only to slog through hours at home to finish the assignment. Or they’ll avoid the challenge (for fear of failure) and take the lower grade. If they think they are hanging on to their gifted identity by a thread, they’ll pretend everything is copacetic when it’s not.

Masking in 2e adults is similar and comes with its own price. If you mask at work, you’re spending your days trying to motivate yourself to initiate and complete tasks you really don’t care about or don’t know how to do. You may suffer through sensory overload (bright sun, fluorescent lights, cubicles with distractions, multiple interruptions) or a lack of needed sensory input (required quiet, sitting all day at a desk, lack of human, in-person interaction).

Socially you likely abhor small talk, but it’s expected at work, at parties, and maybe even in your home. When others seem to recharge in social situations like these, your battery runs out and you must engage in restorative self-care to wake up and do these things all over again the next day. Your deep desire for meaningful connection isn’t addressed, and you are left feeling lonely and incapable. 

Impulsivity 

Impulsivity as a child may take the form of saying or doing something unexpected, inappropriate, or even dangerous. Coupled with a deep desire for connecting, but struggling to connect, the impulsive 2e child may become and “entertainer” or “class clown” to get the sought after social input. These actions may grow riskier as the child enters his teen years.

As an adult impulsivity may turn into finance challenges, or broken relationships. It may translate to embarrassing moments at work or unhealthy habits at home.

Imposter syndrome 

My largest influx of parent clients is when their 2e child enters third grade, eighth grade, or eleventh grade. This is when school tends to make more demands. If you feel like you’re hanging on to your gifted identity by a thread because of new challenges you may start to doubt your abilities in the first place. “It must have been a fluke” you think to yourself as you reflect on some incredible ability you demonstrated when you were younger. “I must have outgrown my giftedness” – something that is not possible – but you may feel when you face your first challenge or lower grade in school. You disbelieve your abilities so you decide you’ll stop trying because it’s easier to “fail” than it is to try and then fail.

Adults, particularly women, tend to say to me, “my kids are gifted, but they don’t get it from me!” Men and women who struggle with executive functioning skills, wonder why what others seem to master organically is so hard for them. In the workplace, at home, and anywhere, 2e adults who struggle to communicate effectively with others, may begin to believe that they don’t have the abilities they had when they were younger.

Social challenges 

Sometimes we say 2e kids are “old souls.” They are born more geared toward existential considerations, with deep empathy, and with interests and passions well beyond their chronical age and stage. As I already talked about, they also don’t love small talk and may not be able to relate to age peers. Gifted and distractible kids connect much quicker and easier to interest peers. Group work is also difficult for 2e learners – they either know more, are frustrated by the lack of enthusiasm and commitment of their group-mates, or they only know how to lead. Typically, but not always, 2e kids aren’t great athletes. They are left out or not interested in sports or outdoor games. When social challenges present for 2e kids their inner critic tells them they aren’t likeable, that something is wrong with them, and loneliness creeps in. 

Gifted and distractible adults having had these social “fails” as kids, may not take risks to meet new people. They may be accused of being “too direct,” “critical,” or “too serious.” This can negatively affect their abilities in job interviews and in dating.

Perfectionism

For a 2e child, perfectionism is often a paralyzing fear of the “gap”—the space between the brilliant vision in their head and what their hands are actually capable of producing. This leads to crumpled papers, tears over a single wrong brushstroke, and a refusal to attempt anything where success isn’t guaranteed. 

In adulthood, this morphs into chronic “analysis paralysis.” You might delay starting a project because the pressure to “nail it” is so heavy it feels physical. The internal critic whispers that if it isn’t flawless, it’s a failure, leading to work-related anxiety or the total avoidance of hobbies that could otherwise bring you joy.

Asynchrony

The 2e child is a study in contradictions—reading at a college level while unable to tie their shoes or keep track of a backpack. They are frequently shamed with the phrase, “If you’re so smart, why can’t you just [insert simple task]?”

As an adult, asynchrony often hits hardest in the “domestic” or “administrative” spheres. You may be a visionary leader in your field but feel like a failure because you can’t manage a grocery list or pay a utility bill on time. This “unevenness” can cause friction with partners who mistake your executive functioning struggles for a lack of care.

Emotional Overexcitability

In childhood, this is the “big feelings” kid. They are devastated by a story on the news or a perceived injustice on the playground. They are often told they are “too sensitive” or “dramatic.”

By adulthood, many 2e individuals have built a fortress around these feelings. Because the world often feels too loud or too cruel, they may retreat into cynicism to protect themselves. They often mask their deep empathy because sharing it has historically led to being misunderstood or dismissed.

Sensual Overexcitability

The 2e child may scream at the texture of a sock seam or be completely captivated by the way light reflects off a bubble. Their world is vivid, sometimes painfully so.

As an adult, this translates to “sensory budgets.” You might find yourself exhausted by 3:00 PM simply because your office lights are too bright or the humming of the HVAC system is “loud.” Finding a partner who respects these sensory boundaries—or shares them—becomes vital for long-term stability.

Imaginational Overexcitability

In school, this looks like daydreaming or “off-task” behavior. The child is building worlds in their mind while the teacher is talking about long division.

In adulthood, this is your greatest superpower if harnessed. It allows for “out of the box” problem solving and a rich inner life. However, if your job is repetitive and lacks a creative outlet, you may suffer from “bore-out,” a state of lethargy caused by a lack of mental stimulation.

Psychomotor Overexcitability

The child who can’t sit still, talks at 100 mph, and has boundless energy. They are often mislabeled as “disruptive” when they are actually just “processing.” They may need to move to learn.

As an adult, you’ve likely learned to channel this into “fidgets” or high-intensity exercise. You might find that you think better while walking or that you need a standing desk to remain productive. Without movement, your brain feels like a motor revving in neutral.

Intellectual Overexcitability

The child who asks “why?” until the adults around them are exhausted. They have an insatiable hunger for data and deep dives into niche topics.

In adulthood, this manifests as a need for “mental meat.” If you aren’t learning something new, you feel stagnant. This drive can lead to incredible expertise, but it can also lead to frustration when others don’t share your “firehose” approach to information.