Data Collection to Ease 2e Communication

Communication is something I think about a lot. It’s what we do all day every day. We communicate with others and try to understand what others are communicating. There are several factors that can get in the way of successful communication for gifted and distractible people; emotions, executive functions, working memory, and processing speed. Working with 2e adults, I find that asking one question can alleviate many of the challenging factors. When asking this question it can diffuse emotions, help prioritize needs, remind the other person that context is important, and slow down the conversation for all processing speeds. That question is, “What else do I need to know?”

Imagine you’re with a loved one, a partner or your child. Out of nowhere, they seem overly upset, withdrawn, or unable to engage in a conversation with you. Sometimes we get mad, because we’re trying to tell them something important, yet they seem like they don’t care. Or perhaps we get sad and think to ourselves, “why don’t they care about what I’m sharing?” Or you may wonder, “why can’t they do this simple thing I’ve asked them to do?” Those questions inside our heads may lead us to get emotional, frustrated, or respond in a way that only pushes the other person away farther. 

Suppose you’re at work. A colleague, boss, or employee reacts in an unexpected way to the work you’ve provided, or in response to a query, or they neglect to say hello, respond to an email, or appreciate your efforts. Likely you’re going to go inward and start asking yourself what you did wrong or why they are being a jerk. 

Many of our natural responses described in the scenarios above come from lifelong experiences of feeling misunderstood or judged. When we go there (for good reason and based on small or large “T” trauma), we sabotage any productive communication. Instead, we assume the worst and either “dig in” for a fight or disconnect. Neither approach gets us to our goal.

When we ask “What else do I need to know?” we afford the other person an opportunity to share what we haven’t perceived or cannot see. We take away the judgmental aspect – of them or ourselves – and the only assumption we’re making is that we need more information before we can properly respond or move on. “What else do I need to know” is a giant dose of giving the benefit of the doubt. It also saves us from ourselves and the assumptions we make about the other person or ourselves. 

Working with twice exceptional adult couples, often times each partner has a different neurodiversity or one is neurodiverse and one is neurotypical. If one is a verbal, fast processor, and one is an inward, deep processor – their communication styles are out of sync and for successful communication, they need to deeply understand one another’s style. You can imagine (or perhaps it’s real for you), sharing something with your partner that is upsetting you. It could be a topic that has nothing to do with your relationship, but if your partner stares at you without responding – and you are a fast processor –  you may feel ignored or discounted. From the partner’s point of view, they may feel like they can’t get a word in edgewise and if we add ADHD into the mix, they may lose their thoughts because of the invisible word wall you just built. 

In these circumstances I recommend that 2e adults deepen their self awareness first. What is your thinking and communicating style? What’s hard about communicating with your partner? What do you need when you are communicating? Perhaps the deep processor identified with ADHD needs some pause time. Maybe he needs to jot down a few notes during the conversation so he can actively listen, while not forgetting the points he wants to make. 

Communicating about your communication style is a great way to provide context, and let the people in your life know what works, what’s hard, and what you need. In reverse, asking the person with whom you’re communicating to share what works, what’s hard and what they need allows you to avoid unnecessary confusion and self sabotage. 

The next time you’re in a conversation and you’re confused, stop and ask the other person, “What else do I need to know?” You’re telling them you aren’t sure you have all the data you need to appropriately reply. Ask yourself when you’re trying to communicate and you’re not getting the response you hoped for, “What haven’t I told them?” I recommend for my clients to put sticky notes around the house with these phrases, to serve as reminders during emotional times. Patterns are hard to break, but this one question may allow you both to slow down and clarify perspectives. Talking about this approach ahead of time identifies that there is a gap in communication and potentially differing communication styles. It demonstrates your commitment to the relationship and lowers the temperature on emotion regulation.