I saw my eye doctor today. Genetically, I have pretty messed up eyes. I’ve been wearing glasses since I was five-years-old, and my mother, brother, and I have – let’s just say – funky retinas. I am severely nearsighted. As the technician described how I compensate with my stronger eye, I blurted out, “Oh! I’ve been talking about that with my 2e adult membership group!” Since I am focused on (pardon the pun) the 2e population, this felt exciting as it gave me an opportunity to spread the word about this population, so beloved to me, and provided a new analogy to help people understand asynchronous development.
When I tell you my vision is pretty bad, it’s pretty bad. If I take off my eyeglasses, the person I’m talking to no longer has facial features, at all. So, when the tech started talking to me about one eye compensating for the other and which is why I’m exhausted at the end of the day…well, I of course started thinking about gifted and distractible adults and kids and how they mask and compensate all the time – sometimes without even knowing. It’s why they’re depleted at the end of the day or at the end of an assignment or interaction that required them to override the struggles and rely on their strengths.
Recently in the Haystack membership for twice exceptional adults, we discussed stealth dyslexia. This is a condition, like dyslexia, but harder to detect because the person compensates with their verbal strengths. Counterintuitively, stealth dyslexics have a harder time comprehending shorter reading passages because they provide fewer context clues and workarounds for the stealth dyslexic to sink their teeth into.
They need more to read less.
How could a teacher or employer possibly know this? How could the 2e person know this? Leaning on strengths to shore up struggles is an excellent strategy, but sometimes it’s so subtle, it’s hard to recognize.
Luckily my brain and eyes do the compensating for me – without me having to think about it. Knowing about it, however, allows me to plan for and take vision breaks as needed. The only breaks twice exceptional people get are when they are working in their zones of genius or are flowing through their passions and interests. It’s hard to advocate for yourself when you are 2e, asynchronous, and expectations are either too high or too low.
I asked the Haystackers (as we affectionately refer to the 2e adult members of the Haystack), to identify when they compensate so we could plan for and address those moments. They half-jokingly asked, “When AREN’T we compensating?” This led us down a fascinating conversation querying, “what is the opposite of compensating?” One member suggested acceptance, which got me thinking. What an intriguing idea. I had to think about what acceptance is in this context. Forced tolerance? Giving in?
I don’t think acceptance is the opposite of compensating but I do think the idea of acceptance with regards to compensating, does indicate exhaustion. Acceptance in this case sounds like “giving up,” “putting your head down and just pushing through,” or “acquiescing to my deficit concluding there’s nothing I can do about it.”
I’ve thought long and hard about a potential opposite to compensating. I’m not sure in this context that there is one. What I do know is that if compensating is exhausting, if it still doesn’t lead to success and only causes exhaustion, then it’s not a solution. Pulling back for a moment and looking at the big picture of compensating or masking, it’s understanding that is necessary for dialing back exhaustion and identifying appropriate efforts. Self-awareness and the ability to self-advocate are imperative to success and avoiding overwhelm and burnout. Backing up further I find that self-love allows us to understand and advocate. Self-love does involve “acceptance” of who you are, including strengths and struggles, but that acceptance does not involve giving up.
It involves giving information.
Giving information about yourself to yourself and to others so that expectations are adjusted, that useful accommodations are provided, and to stop the shame cycle of feeling like you have to be more or different than who you are.
While my vision is pretty darn poor, when I look through a 2e lens, I know what I see – and when the twice exceptional population’s needs are clicked into focus, they can know they are enough, just as they are.
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Author: Julie F. Skolnick M.A., J.D.
Julie Skolnick, M.A., J.D., is the Founder of With Understanding Comes Calm, LLC, through which she passionately guides parents of gifted and distractible children, mentors 2e adults, and collaborates with and advises educators and professionals on bringing out the best and raising self-confidence in their students and clients.