Adopting A Dog, Expectations, and the Importance of Communication for 2e People

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What do adopting a dog, suicide awareness, and communication have in common? Read on to find out.

Adopting Moosh – Learning a New Language

If you follow me on socials you know we welcomed a new standard poodle into our home. Maurice aka “Moosh” is a three year old white standard poodle who is a former AKC Champion show dog and a current stud dog (yep, my dog is literally a “Stud.”) Judge for yourself the cuteness factor of Maurice here. 

We’ve always raised dogs from puppies, so they learned our mode of communication from day one and we literally “spoke the same language.” Having a three-year-old dog requires learning his language as much as it means he has to learn ours. Someone has to decide to listen and learn and put themself second for communication and understanding to occur. In this case – that turned out to be me. I paused for a moment and considered whether Moosh just had to bend to my will, you see, standard poodles are known for being intelligent (for more on this topic read my former blog: “Smart Dog.” ) but I realized Moosh was entering a completely new environment. He was no longer with “his people,” he left thirteen (yep, thirteen) dogs at his former home, and there was an onslaught of new sites, smells, and voices to get used to. In fact, we didn’t realize this, but Moosh came to us a little unwell and needed medication to settle his tummy and address his allergies. In sum, there were a lot of expectations put on this sweet creature.

As I said, I’ve grown up with poodles my entire life. Our first poodle, Princess (she was way too cool for this name, so we called her “Prinny”), came into my life when I was just three years old. I know how quickly poodles learn and that they literally understand the words you say to them. So, I am giving myself a little grace for the impatience I showed when Moosh – a full grown, three-year-old, joined our lives. My expectations were wildly inappropriate. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t know how to sit or lie down or come. I had to remind myself that he had only been with us for a matter of forty-eight and seventy-two hours! 

Expectations, Patience, and Communication

It got me thinking about expectations and communication and how one completely affects the other. 

And then I met with The Haystack – our 2e adult membership. This month we are discussing Suicide Awareness and Prevention in the 2e Community. Whoa. It’s a big and heavy topic but also SO important.

My experience with Moosh showed me a model for how trust, pacing, and communication work — and it’s the same scaffolding we need around ensuring your emotional needs are met as you navigate expressing those needs.

In our first live meeting our discussion quickly moved to communicating needs and how hard that can be when you:

• Aren’t self-aware
• Don’t feel safe
• Aren’t sure what you need, but just know you need something or need something different

For gifted and distractible people communication often feels forced, fraught, or inauthentic. 2e people crave meaning and emotional connection, and need to feel seen fast in interactions otherwise they file that communication or relationship in the ever enlarging, “people who don’t get me” file.

In speaking with our expert this month, Christine Touro Shields, LCSW, LCAC I appreciated the way she framed the situation of people feeling overwhelmed and not knowing what to do. She talked about becoming “emotionally saturated.” She talked about twice exceptional people’s overexcitabilities and how they can absorb emotions occurring in front of them, can feel sensory saturation, and she compared it to being a sponge. If you don’t have a place to “ring out your sponge,” you leak. 

Step one is to realize you’re becoming overwhelmed. Step two is to identify the safe person with whom you can “ring yourself out.” But this requires knowing and having access to a safe person in the moments you need them. I wanted to explore with the Haystack members how to express needs earlier than in the moment, when you have to. I wondered, “How do you communicate needs” before you’re drowning?

Practical Steps: Communicating Needs Before You’re Drowning

There are several considerations when figuring out when and how to talk about needs. It’s important to balance making yourself clear with banging your head against a wall because someone who is potentially toxic won’t get it. There will be times you try your best and it’s not enough for someone who just won’t budge in their assumptions, or who will denigrate your sensitivity or needs. The important thing in those situations is to step back, congratulate yourself for trying, and let go. It’s when we get stuck in negative cycles – or we can’t let go, that we find ourselves “leaking” all over the floor.

Some considerations for communicating needs: How do you prefer to communicate? This requires you to consider how the person you are communicating with absorbs information. There are different modes of communication – what feels safest, sincere, and straightforward? Do you prefer to speak? Would you benefit from notes or a sticky note with bulleted points to support your working memory? If you wrote a letter or email would that be easier for you to share without a deluge of emotions? Should you set up a conversation ahead of time or let it unfold serendipitously? What type of body language do you want to consider and what are the messages you want your posture to provide? Consider your tone and volume and what they will convey as well. As much as communicating needs causes a cascade of emotions in you, consider how your approach affects the unsuspecting person you’re speaking with.

Identifying needs can be scary and anxiety-provoking. Consider self-reflection and regulation ahead of time. Why are you choosing to share your needs? Can the importance of the goal provide an override for your fears? What exactly do you want to come out of this conversation? If it’s tangible accommodations or changes to an environment, those may be obvious next steps. But if it is to be understood, or to be given the benefit of the doubt, or to be given processing time in various situations, those are more esoteric, and you may need to decide the difference between immediate and intermediate needs to work your way toward more nuanced conversations. 

Sometimes when we feel “icky” about sharing our needs, we become less specific and hope the person reads between the lines. This is a common mistake made by 2e individuals and unfortunately it sets up more resentment because the person doesn’t pick up on your subtle signals. Consider, however, that you are setting the person up for failure – the expectations aren’t really appropriate. As much as we wish people could be mind-readers, I have yet to find that person who realizes exactly what I mean just because they love me so much. Be specific, try to provide context of why this is a need and how they can fulfill your need.

It’s completely understandable if you become defensive during this type of conversation. Again, this serves no one, especially you, but there’s good reason for this approach. It feels like you are taking a risk, and you are ascribing great trust in the person with whom you are speaking. But remember, they don’t necessarily know that. In fact, you might cause the other person to become defensive because the other side of what you are saying is that they aren’t meeting you needs. Come into this conversation with empathy for the other person, the ability to clarify, validate their concerns, and answer their questions. Have empathy for yourself. If you need a break or if you feel threatened or uncomfortably vulnerable (because this kind of conversation always requires some amount of vulnerability), step away for a moment letting the other person know you’ll be back but you need to self-regulate. 

With all these considerations, make sure you are finding safe spaces and decide ahead of time on boundaries. How much will you delve into the why behind your needs? When will you decide you’re at zero sum gain and allow yourself to drop the conversation. If you do decide you’re done, how do you do so gently and without regrets?

Listening is as much a part of communicating as speaking. Be sure you feel listened to, listen to the other person, and above all, listen to yourself.