Sometimes my kids tell me, “I see all.” They know they can’t get away with much. I notice the subtle change in their voice, their expression, their demeanor. Sometimes I joke that I’m just looking into my crystal ball. Recently, my team and I were talking about one of the most popular blogs on our site, my 2017 post about loneliness, and realized that it really was a crystal-ball moment. We noted that almost ten years ago we were identifying the loneliness crisis for twice-exceptional people specifically that the broader culture is now beginning to understand.
The language around loneliness has changed dramatically. The World Health Organization Commission on Social Connection now describes loneliness as a “major global public-health problem” and a “defining challenge of our time.” In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General issued an advisory titled Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation and referred to loneliness and social isolation as “not merely personal or emotional problems; they are population-health issues that require action at the individual, community, institutional, and policy levels.”
In 2017 I wrote,
The cruel irony is the gifted extrovert who craves social interaction but lacks the skills necessary to forge healthy connections. I often think about gifted and 2e introverts and whether some of their preferred silence is due to the infrequency with which other human beings understand them. In the case of the hopeful extroverts, in some ways, it’s even more painful to watch them crash and burn in social situations since they so desperately desire social connection.
The experiences I wrote about focused on what gifted/2e people were facing: difficulty finding meaningful connection, masking, feeling misunderstood, and connecting through unusual interests. These same challenges are now being recognized as important dimensions of loneliness generally.
The WHO Report distinguishes between loneliness and isolation, referring to the former as subjective and having a “distressing feeling that your actual social relationships don’t match the relationships you want or need.” You can be around people and still feel lonely.
The latter, isolation, is referred to as objective, or “having too few relationships, interactions or social roles.” Whether the WHO is referring to subjective loneliness or objective isolation, it points to “social disconnection” as both a precursor and an outcome of these conditions and makes an important point that addressing loneliness isn’t about more connections, but about more meaningful connections.
Back to my 2017 blog, I stated then that:
People need to connect, we are social beings. We look to relate via similar interests. For gifted people – these interests are often not the interests of same-aged peers. This is why we see so many gifted and 2e kids connecting with adults. Human beings also connect over similar emotional responses. For gifted and 2e people these emotional responses are often “off the charts,” a much deeper, guttural reaction to the whole spectrum of emotions. These are reactions beyond the control of the gifted and 2e person so they try hard to quash their emotions. Have you ever spent an entire day trying to not be yourself? Lonely. Exhausting. Confusing. Demoralizing. When they get home they (kids or adults) are finally in a ‘safe’ place and often let loose on those they love because they can. It’s not rational, it’s not fair, it’s not fun, but it’s what they do because they’ve depleted their reserve.
Man, sometimes I wish my crystal ball was less accurate.
The Surgeon General’s Advisory tells us that 50% of American adults have reported symptoms of loneliness and it connects loneliness to a host of health issues including increased risks for: heart disease, stroke, dementia, depression, and premature mortality.
The WHO Commission on Social Connection looks to global systems to alleviate the loneliness epidemic, charging governments, international organizations, researchers, and funders to act toward policy change to encourage social connection. The US Surgeon General addresses how to implement a plan to address loneliness in the United States by addressing various stakeholders from individuals to families, schools, workplaces, and systems.
While I applaud organizations and governments for identifying and attempting to address this global health crisis, I believe real change often happens at a much smaller scale. People build connection through communities: groups organized around shared purpose, shared interests, and shared rituals. When people repeatedly come together around something that matters to them, connection can become an organic part of everyday life.
So what is a gifted and distractible person to do? Start with your interests. Not the interests you’ve been told you should have, or the people you’ve been told you should spend time with. Name what lights you up. What can you get lost in? Then find where other people are doing those things. Because maybe the answer to loneliness isn’t simply finding more people. Maybe it’s finding the people with whom you don’t have to spend the entire day trying not to be yourself.
Shared interests often provide multiple layers of similarity and connection: ways of speaking, ways of living, ways of loving. Tell me: what’s your interest(s)? What lights YOU up? Maybe by sharing it here you’ll find others who share your passion, because likely you’re here because you’re 2e, and already you have something in common.
