I recently attended a conference where the speaker posed the question as to whether you are gifted by what you do or by who you are. Her topic was gifted identity. As you can imagine this sparked quite a discussion with most people finding it difficult to parse apart the two options. The conversation reiterated in my mind the importance of common sense and practical strategies to move the gifted field, and each gifted/2e person, forward.

The academic speaker at this conference defined herself as previously a “gifted by who you are” person who had recently morphed into a “gifted by what you do” person. Her argument for her shift was that to get identification and services, it is helpful to know what you want to do – so you can demonstrate to others through your actions, what services you need to meet your goals. I found this to be a cynical view of identity. As one attendee queried – “if we are talking about self-identity, then why are we talking about identification?” 

There is a whole lot of discussion, research, and frustration about gifted identification. “Gifted” gets a bad rap because of a false assumption that gifted programs are only for white privileged students. In truth, we know that “Gifted children come from all different racial and ethnic backgrounds, as well as economic status.” Unfortunately, gifted identification processes are often flawed. There are theories to address this problem and equalize identification like using local norms and universal screening. But again, being identified doesn’t change your actual status of being gifted in your own eyes. To me, that is the most interesting contemplation and where I like to spend my time.

If you know me, you know I’m all about practicality. How do we best address an issue from a strengths-based approach, preferably by positively reframing a situation that is commonly perceived as negative? 

I couldn’t help myself; I raised my hand and made my plea. How can we deconstruct who we are from what we do? As gifted and 2e individuals we are one and the same. Gifted and 2e people want meaningful work, deep connections, and situations in which they can positively affect the world around them. That means what we do reflects who we are. In fact, when you separate who you are from what you do – that’s where masking, irritability, and demoralization come in. 

Yet, I was grateful for this discussion. It strengthened my resolve to teach gifted and 2E people to consider who they are inherently. To make friends and make peace with yourself before trying to connect with others. Self-knowledge, or self-identity, is key to accomplishing meaningful goals and feeling fulfilled. This means looking inside and inherently valuing yourself. Why is this hard?

Gifted and 2e people are often made to feel that they are “less than,” that they “are not worthy,” and that they are in some way “broken.” It manifests in what I describe as echolocating or observing others to try and define oneself. We are great at watching, learning, and parroting. We can morph into what we perceive is expected or desired of us. But eventually, we become exhausted, frustrated, and feel empty. If you find yourself far along this path of masking, making believe, and metamorphosis, ask yourself these questions to come back to your inner core:

1. What was I doing the last time I felt joy?
2. What is really important to me? (I’m purposely vague here, try not to overthink!)
3. If I had a magic wand and could go anywhere, where would I go?
4. If I had a magic wand and could do anything, what would I do?
5. If I had a magic wand and could hang out with anyone, who would I hang out with?
6. If I could solve any problem – which one would I solve first? (Giving a nod here to those of you who want to solve ALL the problems.)

Fill in these blanks:

1. My favorite book is:
2. My favorite song is:
3. My favorite game is:
4. I would love to get into a deep conversation about:
5. My favorite color is:
6. My favorite ice cream flavor is:
7. My favorite type of pet is:

Okay, those last three were just for fun, and if you feel like it – answer those in the comments below. You never know who might say the same thing as you!

It’s important to be friends with yourself. But you can’t be friends if you don’t know who you are. If you are true to yourself, you can’t help but like you – after all, you like the same things! Wait, what?? Okay, humor me here. I know how worthy you are – why don’t you? If there is trauma (with a big T or a little t) in your past or present – then it’s important to address that with a therapist. But alongside that very important work, I want you to spend some time getting to know (and like) you. When we like ourselves and are confident in knowing who we are – we give off a vibe that makes us approachable. We literally let down our defenses. Defenses are meant to keep people away. Gifted and 2e people tend to have defenses that might as well be impenetrable fortresses. A strong self-identity topples the bricks in our defensive wall. Once you’re out there, unabashed, and open, your “who you are” will easily entwine with “what you do.” 

So, what are you waiting for? Look in the mirror, introduce yourself, and start the work of radical self-identification so you can find profound self-fulfillment.

Author: Julie F. Skolnick M.A., J.D.

Julie Skolnick, M.A., J.D., is the Founder of With Understanding Comes Calm, LLC, through which she passionately guides parents of gifted and distractible children, mentors 2e adults, and collaborates with and advises educators and professionals on bringing out the best and raising self-confidence in their students and clients.